HOWZER GET BIG LOVE
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: The Seven Deadly Sins try to help Howzer level up. However, during his training he discovers a secret that could tear all of Britannia apart.


**HAWK MAMA DEDICATE TO DOMINMATRIX**

 **HAWK MAMA KNOW YOU LIKE**

 **HAWK MAMA SEE YOU LOVE TO LOVE LOVE**

 **HAWK MAMA APPROVE**

 **PUUUUGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOO**

* * *

Howzer quickly entered into the Boar Hat tavern. Having run all the way from the other side of the kingdom after an urgent message, he was covered in grime and a thin layer of sweat. Missing his shirt- it had flown off his broad shoulders at one point- and only wearing a tight pair of white knee high pants, his muscles bulged as he hastily shoved his broad sword into his waist guard. Damn it, he hoped he wasn't too late.

He arrived only to find that inside there were several members of the Seven Deadly Sins, along with his friend Gilthunder, all high fiving in a spectacular way and looking ready to go out.

"Hey? What's going on guys?" he asked, looking around in confusion as Meliodas chuckled almost _evilly,_ rubbing his hands together. Howzer nervously scratched the back of his head. "Uh, I got your message. We got another demon attack or something?"

"Nope!" Ban cheered, whooping loudly as King fretted in the air.

"Even better!" shouted Gilthunder, clapping him on the shoulder. As Howzer turned up an eyebrow in curiosity, the rest chanted, "HALL PASS! HALL PASS!"

"Hall... pass?" he asked. "What does that mean?"

Meliodas clapped his hands. "It's the best night of the year."

"The worst night of the year." King muttered floating above their heads.

"It's the best night of the year." Meliodas reiritated and kept going, "It's the night all of our women give us the freedom to go out and do whatever~" here he sung, wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "~and _whoever_ we want."

The group started cheering again as Meliodas cackled with Ban, even scrawny Escanor in the back of the pub joining in.

Howzer gulped.

Oh boy.

Now was the moment, _that moment_ every man dreaded where they either had to buck up or buck down; but either way they were bucking. He had been dreading this his entire adult life. Ever since his childhood friend Jonny had shown up in the locker room boasting about how he had eaten out that rat faced baker's daughter when they were fourteen. Taking a deep breath, he tried to remember that he was a grown independent demon killing Knight who didn't need no man. And certainly could take a few little friendly jabings.

Sighing solemnly, Howzer cringed internally as he readied for their manly giggling. "Guys, uh," he shifted in place and his face burned, " Well I… I have a confession to make." He swallowed.

"I'm a… a virgin."

There was a loud silence, and then the rest burst out laughing.

"Sorry sorry." Gilthunder waved off Howzer's mortification with a pat to his shoulder, again in reassurance and laughed, "We already know that, idiot. I've known you my entire life you weren't fooling anyone. That's why we invited you to go with us." When Howzer shook his head in confusion, he went on, "We are going to teach you how to get a girl and get you laid!"

"Come on!" Ban snorted, "It's about damn time! Time to get'cha self nice and wet!" He whistled as he made a few lewd gestures, and King scowled.

"I don't see why I have to go." King sniffed into his pillow, turning his nose up at the lot of them.

"M-most likely why I'm going, Sir King." Escanor adjusted his glasses as he nervously coughed into his fist.

King gave him a dry look.

Another round of high fives were punctuated with Howzer's deep red blush, Ban still whooping loudly. "Uh.. I don't know, guys…" but he was cut off, a sin grabbing one arm each and pushing him out the door, down towards the city. Even King seemed eager to go, though he did it while muttering about obligations, of course.

As they headed deeper into the bowels of the kingdom he got progressively more nervous. Alright, if he was being honest to himself, he was panicking. And when they started for the doors to a tavern in the shady part of Liones called the Greasy Bums Meat Cakes of all things, Howzer's eyes bugged out. Inside wasn't much better; actually he could say it was worse as he found out why it was called this. The place was dimly lit, filled with strange smells, _oh gods the smells,_ and everything looked like it was covered in a film of some unknown substance. He could see why it was called cakes, seeing there were layers upon layers of _stuff_ and _things_ caked on every visible surface. But the bums was still a mystery.

Howzer shuddered as he thought of what the state of the bathrooms could possibly be in, and as the band of horny companions pushed him towards the bar his hair stood up on end like a prissy scared shitless cat.

"Yo Milky!" Meliodas loudly called for a round of drinks as he waved a hand towards their group, "Can you play nice with our new guy for me?" The bartender, Milky, grunted as he wiped down a dirty mug with an equally dirty rag. As they crowded around Howzer waiting to get served, Meliodas sagely held up one finger.

"Now, Howzer," Meliodas began, clearing his throat as he took on the role of mentor like before, when Howzer and Gilthunder were kids. But this time it just made Howzer even more scared shitless. "The key to getting women is to be forward."

"Forward," Howzer repeated slowly, weakly nodding even as his voice shook.

"Why?" King groaned, "Why are we doing this?"

"Shut up; this is key to a man's survival."

He watched as Meliodas approached a group of women with fascination, the smaller man wafting confidence with his swagger. Their curvaceous bodies were barely held in check by the tiny outfits they wore, their luscious curves threatening to spill forth at any moment as they sat with their legs spread open and a tanker of beer in one hand. One burped loudly before taking a deep drag of a cigar.

"Helloooooo ladies," he crooned, reaching out to grab the two of them as one sneered, flicking a toothpick out of her mouth. He took a long moment to squeeze a left breast as she dug a hand into his hair and ashed her cigar in her drink, and then Meliodas slipped a hand under the skirt of another who leaned forward and loudly snorted the scent of his hair with a grunt. He giggled pervertedly before he looked over his shoulder, gesturing with his head for Howzer to come over.

Oh boy.

Howzer hesitated for a split second, his mind going blank as two pairs of greasy lust filled eyes zeroed in on him like a dragon to blood.

" _Um_." Howzer squeaked, before quickly clearing his throat and slinking closer. "Uh, er, hello titties- I mean ladies. How breast you- _are_ you?" he coughed. Shit. " _How are you?_ " Shit shit titty sprinkles shit.

As he floundered the women looked at him strangely and Meliodas- who had one of the ladies over his lap as he rubbed her ample behind, the woman pulling a leather whip out of nowhere- gave him a nod. Howzer cleared his throat again and reached out, his eyes clenched shut, and pinched.

It kind of felt nice.

Finding something not entirely unpleasant in his fingers, he peeked through one eye. To his right, a very confused young lady stared back at him as he pinched her nose repeatedly.

"You into that shit?" she barked and he jumped, surprised by her deep pirate accent. Her stare was intense, like she wanted to eat him. "I can be into that shit." She hissed. "Any shit you want. Deep long nostril shit? You wanna touch my nose love, I'll put it wherever you want." Her pirate accent made his heart beat faster as she licked her lips.

Ban laughed behind him, slapping his hand repeatedly against the bar as Howzer paled.

"Not the most sexiest place baby." Meliodas drawled dryly as the woman growled underneath his still pinching fingers, her tongue flicking out to taste his wrist. "Try a bit lower," Meliodas coaxed before demonstrated, licking a long line up the side of the other woman's neck and earning him a nice good spanking from her naughty whip.

Meliodas purred as her whip met the side of his thigh.

"S-sorry!" Howzer mumbled, mortified as he pulled his hand back. Shit shit shit, this was awkward. And terrifyingly difficult. He wiped his now strangely greasy fingers on his pants and turned to the left, sweat on his brow. Another woman with a rather prominent unibrow and an axe strapped to her back went to walk by him and he decided to be bold, reaching out to grasp her breasts firmly.

"Not Big Marge!" Meliodas yelped, reaching for him but before he could stop it it was too late. With a snarl the petite woman bashed Howzer over the head with a platter, bending the metal around his face and he saw stars. For a moment his vision spiraled out of control before he pulled himself together and turned to Meliodas, shaking his head to clear it.

"So, er that didn't work." He tried to laugh it off as he knocked the side of his head a few times to clear the rest of spinning, "I don't think I'm really good at this. So, um, what's the next…step..." He trailed off as the Dragon Sin didn't answer. It was clear he was thoroughly distracted by the two women on his lap. He fondled them both with a hand stuffed down the top of their dresses, each full of meaty bun goodness as they in turn each had a tongue in one of his ears.

In, out. In, out. In, out. The women were finding a nice rhythm as the pirate lass pulled a spare live chicken from behind their table. And Meliodas looked absolutely excited.

 _Oh boy._

Shuddering, Howzer returned to the group, sulking as he walked back.

"Don't listen to him," Gilthunder said chuckled with a rouge and dashing smile. "You can't just go up to a woman and grab her like a hot dog. You have to use more finesse." He finished his drink with a long gulp and, wiping his mouth with a hand already slippery with greasy unknown, walked to a woman on the other side of the bar.

He grabbed the side of her seat and spun her around in her stool, the woman squealing in surprise as her giant blond wig went flying in a random direction. He gave a low bow as she finally came to a stop after the twentieth spin or so. "How are you this fine evening, my lady?" he murmured smoothly, taking her arm and slowly kissing upwards from her wrist to her elbow. The woman giggled and swooned, probably from motion sickness, as she stroked her pet alligator that sat curled up to her on the table.

"Hmmm," Howzer mused as the woman swooned completely into Gilthunder's arms, already deeply kissing him as she took off her socks and flung it behind their heads. He took a quick shot of alcohol to bolster his courage and stalked to another lonely woman sitting nearby.

This woman was sitting quietly in a little corner, all but ignored by the rest of the patrons. She didn't look too bad actually, her dress and make up not as standout-ish. Sure, she wasn't the best looking thing with that hooked nose of hers but looks aren't everything.

Howzer cleared his throat loudly as he came up behind her, and she looked up and gave him an equally nervous smile. "Er, hello." Alright, so far so good. "I just saw you sitting here and, well, you look quite dashing my lady, in that hat."

She brought a large hand to her face, shyly giggling behind it. Howzer screwed his courage and grabbed the hand, briefly noting how it was larger than his own. Didn't matter. He began to kiss up the woman's arm, starting at the wrist just as Gilthunder had. He sputtered a bit, trying to cover up his nervousness as he choked through the thick, black hair that he now noticed covered the woman's forearm.

Well, this wasn't going that bad. He could do this!

When he reached the elbow, he looked back up into the woman's eyes. She smiled and batted her eyelashes before saying, "Oh, you charmer you."

Howzer froze. That voice… it rumbled deeply. Too deep. He peered closer and saw with shock the protruding Adam's apple in the woman's throat. His eyes trailed upwards and he saw one of her eyelashes had begun to dangle off of the edge of "her" eye.

"Are you a man!?"

The woman yanked her hand away and smacked him soundly across the face with her meaty fist. Howzer stumbled as the room spun, rubbing his now bruised jaw as he returned to the group in a daze.

"How's it going, buddy?" Ban slurred as Howzer sat back down, bring his drink up to his lips, a large pile of empty tankers already around the sin. "Didja get it in yet?"

"NO," Howzer shouted. "NONE of this is helping." He was going to blame mistaking a bloke for a woman with the low lighting. Yes, that was it. It was the lighting.

"Whatcha gadda do," said Ban slowly, maybe for Howzer's benefit. Maybe because he was sloshed, "is ya gadda flirt a little." He hoisted himself over the bar and crooked a finger at the female bartender. "C'mere," he barked, and the woman was drawn to him instantly, as if he had just used some sort of magical type thing. Ban leaned forward and gave her a lecherous smile. "You know, your roots are showing," he drawled. As the woman put her hand to her hair, he continued, "It's so weird, you look like my sister."

"I-I do?" she squeaked, leaning in to get closer to Ban.

"Yeah," he said wiggling his eyebrows. "Only she's hotter."

The woman reached out and grabbed Ban by the face, pulling him in for a long, sensuous kiss. Howzer watched, growing more and more uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by, until finally Ban pushed her off. "Hey," he said, "I'm not here for you. I'd need at least another round to make that happen." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and the woman shivered in excitement. "I'm asking for my buddy Chowder here." He slapped Howzer on the chest. "Whaddya think?"

The woman looked at Howzer expectantly. He suddenly realized he was supposed to flirt, and he stammered as he tried to think of something. Finally, he blurted, "You blink a lot."

She blinked at him and turned back to Ban. "Come on, next round is on me." She gripped him by the shirt and dragged him behind the bar, and as they fell to the sticky floor in a tangle of limbs, Howzer hung his head and returned to his dwindling companions.

"Howzer," King sighed and began seriously, "these women don't want a flirt or a macho guy or even a cute little button. They want one thing." He made a face like it pained him greatly to leave to safety of the bar and go into the unchecked wild, but as if he had an _obligation_ to do it.

He floated over to a nearby table full of women, each with a pack of five cards in hand and a pile of coins and jewels and other stolen miscellaneous goods in the middle of their table. Checking to make sure that Howzer was watching, he cleared his throat and announced, "Hello, ladies. Which of you fine women would like to join me for this evening?"

The women all looked at each other in confusion and a mix of sneers and heavy jeers. "Why would any of us do that?" one asked as another woman next to her stole a gold coin out her pile while she distracted.

At this King smiled. "Did I mention I was a king?"

The women gasped, flinging their cards over their head in a shower of red and black, all of them someone having royal flushes and higher. "You're… you're _royalty_?" another squealed.

King nodded his head. The girls began to exclaim over each other about always wanting to date a prince and how many yachts did he own exactly? King sank down into the gaggle of admirers as Howzer sank into an empty bar stool. "It's no use," he said to Escanor. "I barely make enough for rent on my Holy Knight salary."

"Th-that's a real sh-shame, H-howzer," the scrawny old man Escanor stuttered. He took tiny sips out of his mug, blotting his large moustache with a napkin in a cultured polite way.

"Sometimes life's not fair," Howzer said sadly into his own drink. "Not for guys like us, anyway."

Escanor spluttered into the drink before setting it down, in shame. Eyeing Howzer he rubbed the back of his head, "Actually, Sir H-howzer, I do get myself a p-piece. On occasion, m-mind you."

Howzer whirled on the scrawny man. "How?" he asked incredulously. How was that possible?

Escanor stood shakily and unbuckled his pants. Before he could protest, the Sin of Pride had dropped his pants, displaying the biggest penis Howzer had ever seen as ooh's and Ah's were proclaimed throughout the room.

His dick was so big, it had its own time zone. His dick was so big, he had to call it Sir Dick. His dick was so big, Diane choked while giving him a blowjob. His dick was so big, kids would sled down it. His dick was so big, he could use a hula hoop for a cock ring. His dick was so big, it took the entire fairy clan to jerk him off. His dick was so big, it had a three-book publishing deal. His dick was so big, it always arrived first. His dick was so big, Liones was going to build a statue to it but ran out of carving stone.

Howzer stood and just walked out of the bar. His expression frozen in grim acceptance. His will was gone. He was done. Done! He was going live his life as an unkept virgin if this was what he had to compete with. There was just no competing with the Seven Deadly Sins in any tournament.

The walk back to the Boars Hat was a rather somber one, and when he finally got back he found he couldn't even drown his sorrows in ale or rant to an ex possessed great Holy Knight, because at one point since they had left Hawk Mama had dug herself free from the ground.

Howzer flopped on the ground, defeated. He looked at his hands, covered in greasiness, and sighed. Would he be alone forever? Would he ever find a woman? Why couldn't they all be as cute and sweet as Diane?

Oh, Diane…

Looking around and seeing he was alone, Howzer quickly unbuckled his trousers, slipping a hand inside, and laid back. The slippery grease helped it all along as he looked up at the stars he thought of the beautiful giantess. It was easy to take care of the horrible build-up from the even more horrible evening as he thought about her big giant eyes and her big giant ears and her big giant mouth and her big giant hands and her big giant lips and her big, big cute giant ponytails.

He closed his eyes and gave a little moan, completely oblivious to his surroundings. Or to the footsteps that boomed in the grass and shook the ground a bit, approaching him steadily. The vibrations felt good actually. Or the gigantic shadow that loomed over him, blocking out the moonlight. Or the faint smell of pork that now wafted in the air.

"PUUUUUUUU," he noticed that though. He froze his hand stilling mid wank as Hawk Mama stared down at him, her unnervingly cunning gaze locking with his own. "GOOOOOOO!"

"Uh," he didn't know what to do as her stare became even more intense. He chuckled nervously, and her gaze seemed to be sucking him in, growing more powerful.

"Good... evening Hawk Mama?"

**INTENSE HAWK MAMA MOMENT ACTIVATE**

Howzer shook his head, realizing he had been staring back into the pig's giant black eyes. "Er, uh… sorry about that?" Howzer laughed weakly, "I, uh had a long night. And now I'm talking to a pig." Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he pulled his pants up before looking back at the giant green pig, who has since leaned closer until her snout was almost touching him. He wiggled his hips to get comfortable before sighed as a keen black eye took note of his every move. "You would not _believe_ the night I've been having Hawk ma. And I'm sure no one else is going to either."

Oh she could. And she would. And she was going to make sure no one else did too.

Where did that thought come from? Howzer shook his head to clear it again and ran his slightly less sticky hand through his hair, tousling a few strands free. "Well, I might not have gotten lucky, but at least one girl around here appreciates me. Right Hawk mama?" He chuckled, completely missing the harden glint that had formed in her black husky gaze.

"...ppppuuuuUUUUUGGGGGOOOOOOO!"

"W-w-wha-!?"

Before he could figured out what was happening or why Hawk Mama had started to bellow louder than he'd ever heard any living thing shout to the heavens the pig had spun around, and without letting him even twitch or fling himself out of the way he could only watch in growing abject bug-eyed terror as the giant green hog angled her hips juuuust right and then, _swoosh_.

SQUISH

He really didn't know how this could be real. It couldn't be. His whole entire world was narrowed down to this squishy squeezing pitch black prison of tightness, the wetness and heat and the smell of warm delicious pork meat buns was overpowering. It couldn't be real. No. But as he tried to wiggle and instead got _juices_ in his mouth that were already steadily soaking through his clothes- he was pretty sure he was inside a giant pig's ass.

Or he hoped it was her ass… Oh, no, wait. This wasn't her ass. He had read about this in a book once...

It looked like he was finally getting lucky after all.

"PUUUUUU," Hawk mama was more than happy too, her voice both heard and felt as he shook inside her, and only Howzer's little feet stayed outside. They were the only things not making it as they kicked frantically from her hog hocks, the rest of him stuck firmly up there. And she was pleased.

No one was going to believe him.

He was inside Hawk Mama's vagina.

"MMMMHHH!?" His terrified screams were muffled from inside Hawk mama's lady parts, the dirty broad absolutely pleased as he wiggled more and more frantically. He sputtered and spewed utter nonsense as he wiggled, and thrashed, and yanked, and jerked, and bounced, and kicked, and squirmed, and tickled, and slunk and deep dived and vibrated and pushed and exhaled and inhaled and crawled and questioned his very existence on the earth. Oh gods oh gods Oh Gods! This couldn't be real. This wasn't real! He shrieked again, a full blown girlish squeal as he sputtered and choked.

His body rocked violently as the pig moved. He could feel pinpricks in his mind as his body began to struggle with the lack of any real oxygen, but at the same time… did this feel good?

Howzer tilted his hips to test.

Well, it didn't feel bad. Actually if he really tried and applied pressure….

Howzer began to slowly move his hips back and forth and Mama Hawk gave a roar of approval. The delirium of oxygen deprivation began to overtake his mind, and Howzer grinned. Oh yes, he was a natural. He thought about Diane again as Hawk mama oinked loudly to the time of his harder thrusts, and he imagined all of Diane giant things. Would this be what it felt like when…

No, no, he scolded himself. He shouldn't be thinking of other women. That's completely rude. Instead he continued moving experimentally as his erection came roaring back to life, running his hands up and down as much as he could in the tight space, hoping she'd like it. He couldn't see anything inside the pig, but he felt all the meat and liquids swirling around him as he picked up the pace. The constant sound of SQUISH SQUISH as each thrust pushed another small wave of smelly pork fluids out Hawk Mamas whoha. Her pork curtains quivered amazingly.

This was better than anything he had ever imagined for his first time. He had heard the horror stories of guys who'd stick it in and squeal, dumping their loads in the first minute, or the guys who were so nervous about sticking it in that they'd get limp dick no matter how drop dead gorgeous the woman was. Howzer bet none of them had ever been completely swallowed whole by a nice, pulsating ham wallet as good as this.

Howzer moaned loudly as he bounced up and down, using his entire body and energy to thrust with Hawk Mama's rocking hips. Outside of Howzer's favorite pink taco Mama was grunting and snorting and frantically wiggling as she panted with a smile on her giant piggy face. Giant clouds of porky steam were puffing out of her snout as Howzer really started going at it.

"PUUUUGGGOOO PUUUUUGGGOOOO!" Hawk Mama roared again and again at Howzer's excitement, the knight bouncing higher and higher up her lunchmeats tunnel. And as the sweet bliss of unconsciousness finally began to take hold of his mind, Howzer pounded steadily into the pig's hot pocket, groaning and drowning in her ham flap juices as the pink velvet enveloped him with a new round of contractions. He began to shake inside the pink canoe, suddenly beganing to orgasm inside the pig punani. He momentarily realized he was still wearing his pants and thought about how he would have to think of an explanation for the dry cleaner as he succumbed the darkness inside this unfortunate promise land, twitching as her cho-cho squeezed out the rest of his come from his own meaty sausage.

Mama wasn't finished, though. Her quivering mound of love pudding began to pulse and her hooded lady swelled up with her punanni milk. The pig roared into the night again as her snatch swallowed Howzer even deeper inside, drooling as the walls of her wizard sleeve quivered and shook as her green hoag chops vibrated in ecstasy. The tampon tunnel gasped open and shut and Howzer's unconscious body flopped in and out of the whisker biscuit beef curtains. As he pig's pookie continued its suddering climax, Hawk Mama bore down on her bat cave with a ear shatteringly loud squeal, giving the vertical smile a final clench of true romantic bliss before releasing her hold on Howzer inside of her nappy flappy.

"PUUUUUUUGGGGGGGOOOOO!"

Howzer's body shot out of her beef cannon like an actual real cannon, flying across the forest. And straight over the kingdom too, her putang tang juices showered over all of Liones and the surrounding mountain sides, continuing to squirt and spew gallons upon gallons like a geyser out of the boar's beaver through the rest of the night and into the early morning hours, steady fountain of drool flowing from her mouth creating a pond at her feet.

At dawn, Howzer opened his eyes. Blinking up at the sun he was sore all over, and as he slowly sat up he realized he was covered in what could only be described as slime. His clothing were plastered to his skin and he noticed with disgust that long thick ropes of slime hung off his arms and legs, inbetween his fingers and making his hair stand up at an odd angle to the side. He wrinkled his nose at his ruined state and wondered briefly what happened…

When suddenly the entire night flashed before his eyes.

"The Pi- Hawk Ma did- She, I-" he sputtered and shook in traumatic shock before springing to his feet, a layer of dirt and grass stuck to his back. He ran towards the city, praying that he could get himself cleaned up before anyone saw him. His pants were barely hanging on, the constant rubbing and gooey unmentionables had reduced it to almost nothing. However, as he crashed through a line of trees in a panic, he came upon the previously missing Boar Hat sitting nice and contentedly in a little clearing. The Seven Deadly Sins stood outside, all looking up at the sky.

Howzer looked up too. A beautiful rainbow shimmered above, as a soft pallet of rain fell down from above around them. Elizabeth walked outside of the tavern, carrying an umbrella with a large smile and a blush as she hurried over to Meliodas side, standing as close as possible to cover him. "This is the strangest rain I've ever seen," she mumbled, reaching out to catch some in her palm.

"Rain. Yeah, sure." Meliodas looked over at Elizabeth, pulling her hand back under the umbrella. "No, dear, don't touch that." His dry but sarcastic tone didn't go unnoticed as Meliodas caught sight of Howzer and waved. "Hey there big guy! Did you get caught in the downpour?"

Howzer stared back, opening and closing his mouth in shock and shame, and the wink Meliodas gave him told the knight he knew _exactly_ what had happened to him.

Everyone went back inside, except for Meliodas and Elizabeth. The cute couple stayed behind to look up, admiring the rainbow.

END


End file.
